Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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