So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
