i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
