Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
