everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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