I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
