someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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