Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
