i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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