i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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