yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize