just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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