Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
