it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
im holly from the hills drunk
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
