So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
