Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
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I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
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Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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