new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
