I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
