there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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