I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
