Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
