mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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