somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
