Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
