6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
