I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
