Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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