...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
