I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
