Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
