I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
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