I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
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that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
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I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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