i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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