my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Couch. On fire.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
