I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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