chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
