the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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