sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
