Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
