i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
