I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
