either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize