i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
