sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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