why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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