Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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