I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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