This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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