my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
