All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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