I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
