if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize