Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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