Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
