I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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