Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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