Whod you bang
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
