Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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